Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
