dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
