I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Randomize
