And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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