i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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