my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
