youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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