I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
