i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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