Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
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