I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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