I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize