I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
