Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
