I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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