That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
