is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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