I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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