Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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