I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm getting married
To pizza
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
