Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
