So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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