No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize