The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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