I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Four minutes until I can fart!
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
