I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
