I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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