Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
