just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
