why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
