Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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