Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
