don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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