if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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