I wish they made helmets for livers.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
