Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Randomize
