I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize