I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
