I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
