just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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