remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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