rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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