Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
