I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
