Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
