He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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