Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize