He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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