we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
