I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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