its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
