Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
