Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
