So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
